I look forward to lazy evenings with a cocktail on the patio, enjoying the smell of cut grass. I'm ready to get out and find ways to get wet and beat the heat. In heat like this, summer entetainment means Water. We set up a pool in our yard every summer, and even though there's something really White Trash about it, I love getting out there and drifting, just looking at the blue summer sky and not thinking about anything. Grayson and I sometimes go to Pelican Bay, a water park in Edmond, or we go find a lake, river or stream to get wet in. And this year... this year we're going to the beach!
It occurred to me a few months ago that my boy is growing up, and I may have only a few more years in which he'll be completely happy to go on vacation with his mother. So I decided that every summer from now on, we'll take a trip together. I don't know how I'll pay for it. I'll worry about that later. I'm making memories for both of us, and holding his childhood as close to my heart as I can while it's still within reach. So we're off to Galveston in August. I know it's not the most glamorous beach, but it's the one I can afford to get to this year. Next year maybe I'll be able to save up more money in advance. I'm putting us up in the Gila Monster Hilton or some equally shabby hotel, so we can afford to spend five glorious days basking on the sunny shores of the mighty (if somewhat compromised) Gulf of Mexico.
Planning to take a trip every summer also gives us the incentive to do a little research: explore all the possible places we could visit. Grayson says he wants to see Old Faithful, but he also wants to visit the Smithsonian, so there are decisions to be made in the year ahead.
There's a downside to summer for me, as well. In the summer Grayson's dad and I trade off weeks with him, and between that and the weeks he spends at camp and visiting various grandparents, I sometimes lose him for two or three weeks at a time. In June, for example, I have him at home for only one full week. It frees up my social calendar to go do Grownup Things at will, but I miss my boy when I'm at home alone. The house is too quiet, and I have too much time on my hands.
This summer presents fresh challenges, as well. This summer Grayson is meeting his dad's girlfriend, preparatory to her moving here from Chicago. This is a big step, and will mean big changes for all of us, but probably mostly for me. In the nearly-three years since the divorce, The X has not previously had a "real," meaningful girlfriend. He was always dating this girl or that girl, but none of them lasted long. A few months, half a year, and they were gone. And though it shames me to admit it, there was a small, probably quite vile part of me that took some satisfaction in that. Now I'm brought face to ugly face with that part, and it's not a comfortable feeling. The Authentic Me is not, perhaps, 100% sure of her self worth, and has been, perhaps, propping it up a bit on the failure of The X to find anyone As Good As Me.
And now, of course, he has. And she's coming here. And meeting my son. And because he's a terrific kid, I'm sure she'll love him. And because he's got a loving nature and she's doubtless a very nice person, I'm sure he'll love her. And I know that, no matter who else enters his heart and his world, he will always love his mother best. I know that. My head knows that. But that little squinched-up vile bit inside my heart is scared that Grayson might ... just might... love her best.
Remember that list of nice things people said about me back here? Well, I need to remind myself of those things -- remind myself that even good, nice, wonderful people sometimes enter marriages that fail. Those failures don't negate all the good things about those people, and it doesn't negate the good things about me. The fact that orange juice tastes terrible with toothpaste doesn't mean that the orange juice tastes bad. It just doesn't work with toothpaste. Learn from it. But don't give up on brushing your teeth.
There's plenty of joy in the world: there's enough love and happiness, good fortune, good times, excitement, fun and success to go around, and someone else's good fortune does not diminish my chances of achieving any of it. It's not the lottery. It's Life, and we all have to make our own way and seek out our own happiness.
And so I am trying to kick that nasty little bit out of my heart and make way for what's next. It's feeding on my future. It's getting in the way of my Quest. It's as stubborn as a tick, but I'm determined to dislodge it, because I have a job to do here.
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