In the spirit of the search for the self... in the past two days I have done two things to help me define myself. Here they are:
1) I returned to my maiden name. It's been two years since my divorce, and my son is old enough to be okay with not having the same name as his mother. Besides, it occurred to me that there might be another Mrs. X in the offing before long, and I didn't want to be the Other Mrs. X. So I decided to finally jettison the name, thus freeing me (in theory) from one more bit of emotional flotsam. Changing your name is a surprisingly simple process that involves several pieces of paper, two trips to the County Courthouse, and $118 in court fees, (plus $22 to publish an announcement of the impending change in the newspaper's legal notices) but it was well worth it, in my opinion. After about 15 minutes at the courthouse yesterday afternoon, I am, once again, who I was. So, whether or not I know who that is, at least I can name her accurately.
2) I conducted a quick and very informal poll on Facebook to ask friends to give me a couple of words that described me. This is cheesy and narcissistic in the extreme, but it's all done for a good cause. Here's the list of words offered up by my friends and acquaintances :
Comical
Creative
Brazen
Revelatory
Inspiring
Lovely
Hardworking
Hilarious (2)
Independent (2)
Fullofsurprises (this was a cheat to get three words counted as one)
Dedicated
Funny
Beautiful
Tall
Short
Creative
Fun
Gorgeous (special thanks for that one)
Ebulient
Iconoclastic (Those two are about $10 each, I think)
Quirky
Earnest
Caring
Friendly
Talented
Loving
Unforgettable
So, it looks like Funny wins at 4 mentions.
The runner up is in the Pretty category, with 3,which was a surprise.
Then there's hardworking, dedicated and earnest, which sort of go into the same category. So I'll call that a second runner-up.
So, based on my completely un-scientific, untested and hiiiiiiiighly dubious poll, The Real Me could safely be described as Funny... and might be considered Attractive and Dedicated/hardworking/earnest.
I tried to group some others together, but it got complicated. Quirky... is that sort of like fullofsurprises? Or more like Creative? Can Iconoclastic and Revelatory go together just because they're big words??
It's too bad there's no such thing as a Facebook for People Who Dislike You. It would be even more interesting to see what their list would look like.
I do try to make people laugh. Often at my own expense. It makes the social give and take easier for me, and keeps things nice and light so you don't have to talk about anything too real, and it's better than small talk.
Over the past year, however, I've noticed in myself an increased ability and willingness to have real conversations with people. I don't skim the surface like I once did, and though sometimes I wish I'd stuck with skimming, more often than not I find out some really interesting things about people.
Mostly what you find out about people is that they're not anywhere near as (fill in the blank) as you imagined them to be. For example, the electrician with a soft Okie accent who came to fix my air conditioner. In conversation with him I discovered that he practiced yoga, was raised by a lesbian couple, and hated being an electrician.
Today I gave a radio interview to a woman who told me God had spoken to her 18 years ago and told her to build him a radio station. She also told me she could tell something was different about me when she saw me today and she knows that good changes are coming for me soon. And she said a prayer for my strength and happiness.
I'm not a religious person, but I figure it can never hurt to have someone with a radio station to God say a prayer on your behalf. And if she says something good is coming my way, well, I'll believe her.
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