In which I step right out of the comfort zone...

After sitting on the fence for a couple of weeks, I have finally made a decision about a major change in my life and the life of my son. It's a change that is exciting and scary and thrilling for me... and is making a lot of other people –  virtually everyone close to me – very unhappy. Some are sad, some are hurt.  And one in particular is very angry.  But I'm doing it anyway.

I have accepted a position as writer and editor at the new Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art in Bentonville, Arkansas.  This means, of course, that Grayson and I will be moving there very soon, and it means that I have made a decision that, though I feel it is a good one for me and my son in the long run, impacts many other people negatively.

This is, I think, the first time in my life I have made a decision like this.  Never before have I decided against the wishes of those around me. Always I have chosen the road of least resistance.  Now, at last, I have to decide for Me.  Not for my parents, not for my son, not for my boyfriend or my ex husband, my friends or my workplace.  Just. For. Me.

This is excruciatingly difficult.  I will be leaving behind all my support systems and comfort zones, uprooting Grayson from his home, school, family and friends, creating warlike conditions between his father and me, and all based on a Hope.  A Belief that now is the right time for this change, that I'm ready, that Grayson can handle it, and that when the dust settles it will be a change for the better.  A new beginning. A fresh start.  And for once ... just because I Want It.

I Want this job. I Want to move to Bentonville:  a smallish town amid other smallish towns and surrounded by the beautiful, wild Ozark landscape. I want to start something new, learn new things, figure stuff out, make new friends... all my own, without the taint of memory or failure or bitterness.  I'm excited about this move, despite the fact that all those who love me best are saddened by it. 
It feels unbelievably selfish. But this time I'm not going to cave. I'm not going to shrink away from change and I'm not going to relax into the safety of the status quo.  I've been offered this amazing opportunity, to work as a writer and editor for a major new museum in a beautiful location.  If I turn this down, I'm turning away from living my life for me.

I will begin working at Crystal Bridges on July 25.  In four weeks I will need to find a place to live, pack up our belongings, wrap up my work at my current museum, orchestrate a move and get Grayson enrolled in a new school in a new town. I am, in short, going to be busier than a one-armed paper-hanger.

But somehow the worst is over. After agonizing and agonizing, I made the hard decision and now I can just take my lumps and keep moving until I get through it. On the other side of it all, the life I live will be my own.